Saturday, March 5, 2011

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Man, SOOOO much has happened in the past couple weeks!! First things first....Jake is amazing!! Why you might ask? (I doubt it....I've been bragging since I got it..) BUT.... for Valentine's Day he got me a Kindle!! 
Isn't it cute?? I LOVE IT!!! 

I had my mom sew me a cute cover for it! 
The front cover

Inside with the Kindle

Inside without!! It was pretty easy to do once we figured out the pattern (which I had downloaded off the Internet, which was goofy, but for next time we have a few shortcuts we'll be using)

First book I downloaded? Are You There Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea. Its Chelsea Handler's second book. YOU NEED TO READ THESE BOOKS!! Crude, yes, but hilarious!! These books are all true and all funny here are some of my fave quotes!! (From her collective three books)

"At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)

"Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home."

"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)

"I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around." 

"I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.
At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, 'When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?"
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)

"My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house."
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)

"Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink."
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)

"He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better."
— Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)

"The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock."
— Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea)

Crude, yes. Raunchy, yes. But I was laughing out loud numerous times!!

I'm now reading Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. I can't wait to sometime go to her show in LA and I'm hoping she comes on tour somewhere close to me!!! 

Great gift from Jake!! He did a lot better than I ever expected and I didn't even have to give in subtle hints!!

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